


How to Be Happy in a Camper Van

by RunnerFive



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Camper Van, Camping, F/F, F/M, Future Tense, Hallucinations, How-To Guide Format, Multi, Omniscient Narrator with an Attitude, Orgy, POV Second Person, Season/Series 05 Spoilers, This is kind of experimental, emphasis on the mental part
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 04:37:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7830613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RunnerFive/pseuds/RunnerFive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or, "How to Start an Orgy in a Camper Van."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Decor

So, you've decided to live in a camper van. Well, "decided" is putting it nicely. But it sure sounds a lot better than "been forced to," if you ask me. Which no one did, admittedly.

Anyway, you can be happy in a camper van! Lots of people did it even before the apocalpyse. What's the name of that couple who lives in their van and does the radio broadcasts? No, that's not it. It'll come back to me. For now, let's get you set up in your new home.

The first step is to find some camper vans in good working condition.

The second step is to raid office supply stores for decorative bits.

When Janine says, “You do realize that this is only a temporary living arrangement, don't you?”

And Jody responds with, “Yeah, but who knows how long ‘temporary’ is? Besides, curtains will insulate the vans!”

You should nod your agreement and continue stuffing binder clips into the panel around the van window.

Tom will enter presently, arms loaded with fabric, and echo his agreement.  “Let us have our fun, Jane!” he’ll say.

Janine will jump and spin around, her fingers twitching toward her sidearm. Don't be alarmed. She does that every time he enters the room.

“Thomas! I told you not to sneak up on me ever again!”

“I wasn’t!” He’ll dump the fabric between you and Jody. “I was being loud as a bear!”

“Bears are incredibly stealthy hunters,” Janine will snap. “They’re capable of prowling perfectly silently.”

“Loud as a zom, then!” Tom will grab a handful of the binder clips and sets to work on the front windows.

“Oh, for the love of—”

Ignore Janine’s crankiness and continue decorating the camper van. Pick out a really cute fabric to use for curtains. You’ll want the privacy afforded by those curtains in a few hours.


	2. Dinner

Ahh, dinner. An important part of the camping experience.

Don’t ask too many questions about what’s in the stew. You need to eat. Ignorance is bliss, you know?

Enjoy those toasted marshmallows. Everyone deserves a treat now and again, even if those treats are loaded with horse hoof. I see that doesn't dissuade you at all. Well, might as well enjoy it. It’s not as if they’re making them anymore.

Also, it’s everyone’s first night in the camper vans together. It’s a night for celebrating!

Of course, little Sara’s nappy will leak everywhere, resulting in an emergency shower for not only Sara, but also Sam, Paula, and Jody.

(See: Chapter 7, Laundry.)

Everyone might as well shower while you’re at it. It’s getting a little ripe in the vans. Hold the watering can for Janine while she lathers.

Brush your teeth before bed. Mashmallows are sugary and the apocalypse is no excuse to neglect dental hygiene. You don’t want to have to pull your own tooth out, do you?

Climb into the van and try to get comfy.

 


	3. Sleeping

You will likely find it difficult to sleep in your new surroundings. Don't beat yourself up for it too much.

The others will fall asleep right away—or at least, they’ll pretend to.

Tom will groan in his sleep around midnight. 

You’ll touch his hand, and he’ll startle awake, his hand somehow instantly finding your throat in the pitch black. He won’t even squeeze, though; he’ll just warm your throat with his palm for a few seconds before pulling it away. 

You and Tom have an established borderline telepathic connection. You probably have a vague theory about psychosis giving you psychic powers, but HOPEFULLY you’ll realize how delusional that sounds and keep it to yourself. (Seriously, Five, keep that to yourself. You’ll sound almost as crazy as if you tell them you sometimes hear the voice of a  stupid chakra-obsessed aging mind-controlling dead hippie.)

Whatever the case, you will be able to tell from the way Tom’s hand brushes your shoulder on the way down that he wants comfort, a distraction. You’ll realize you need the same thing. This seems like an appropriate time to discuss sex in a camper van.

Shove your shorts down as quietly and economically as you can in the tight space. You may find it necessary to kick only one ankle free.

Have your partner roll on top of you, preferably with the stealth and agility of a cat, and push his sweatpants just enough out of the way to free the necessary parts.

Wrap your arms and legs around him and hold him tightly so he doesn’t get tempted to thrust.

The trick to stealthy missionary sex is not to thrust. Thrusting rocks the van and, if you’re properly excited, makes loud squelching noises. As if that weren’t bad enough, it’s incredibly difficult not to giggle over squelching noises when they’re the only sound in a dead silent van. At least, that's the case if you're stoned. I've never had sex in a camper van when  _not_ stoned.

Either way, when trying to have sex sneakily in tight spaces,  **do not thrust.**

Instead, have your partner make tiny circles inside you. Relish the friction that provides. Prioritize your own pleasure. Recognize that your partner is a healthy, relatively young man who will have no difficulties ejaculating when the time comes. Don't worry about him, man. Just worry about you.

On the other hand, do not let your partner ejaculate inside you. This is the apocalypse! If you can’t find condoms, an abortion is going to be even harder to come by... no pun intended. Seriously, man, you do not want to get pregnant right now. You're fugitives, you know? Don't do it.

But don’t worry, your partner is a skilled lover, even in these conditions. Lucky, lucky Five. Tom really knows his stuff. Looks like you’re enjoying it.

Man, stop fretting over whether your partner will accidentally finish inside you and just enjoy the friction on your clit.

Come on, how am I distracting you? I’m just writing a how-to book, like, internally. You know, one of my biggest regrets in life is that I never wrote a book. Maybe someone else will need a how-to book for this situation. You can transcribe it for me.

Gaia, Five, just, like, turn your mind off and relax, you know? This is supposed to be relaxing. I wouldn’t tell you to make love to just anyone.

Oh, and try not to breathe too loudly. 

I’ll leave you to it, then.


	4. Group Activities

Sometimes, despite your best efforts at stealth, your copulation will wake someone. After all, it is four of you on a double mattress in the back of a van.

Sometimes, long before you finish, the battery-powered LED Christmas lights will flick on, and Janine will sit up.

“Really? Must you two do that in here?”

“Where else can we do it?” Tom will ask.

“You could not do it at all!” Janine will say. “And you can stop pretending to be asleep, Ms. Marsh.”

“Aw, just let them do what they need to,” Jody will say.

_ Ja,  _ Jody is a lot less annoying than I remember. Good that she’s on your side.

“We’ve all been through a lot,” Janine will snap. “You don’t see the rest of us having sex in here!”

“And why not?” Jody will ask. “No one’s stopping us. In fact, I’m still feeling awful glad you’re alive."

Oh, now it gets interesting! 

Jody will kiss Janine, and, surprisingly, Janine will return the kiss. Then the two of them will start undressing each other.  _ Ja _ , it’s okay to watch! Tom will be watching too. A bit odd to watch your sister get undressed, sure, but if you follow his eyes, you’ll see he’s completely focused on Jody. Pay attention, and you’ll feel him twitch inside you as she stands on her knees and pushes her knickers down. What a nice view! I agree with Tom; Jody’s got a very nice bum.

Go ahead and let your partner thrust now. It’ll make him a whole lot happier, and it’s a lot more visually impressive, too.

Turn your head to the right and watch Jody and Janine making out. Janine looks so awkward, doesn’t she? But she's enjoying it. You can tell if you know what to look for. And Tom is really getting worked up over this. Don’t let him finish inside you!

Oh, never mind. Janine will take care of it.

“Tom.” Janine will kick her brother. “Tom. Thomas!”

“What, Jane?”

“Pull out of Five.”

“What?”

“Pull out of Runner Five! I won’t have you getting my best runner pregnant! Pull out!”

“I will! I’m not ready yet.”

“Your best runner?” Jody will raise her head from between Janine’s legs. “Thanks a lot, Janine! I am right here, you know.”

Janine will get flustered. “I only meant that Runner Five—”

“No, I see how it is.” With a playful huff, Jody will crawl away from Janine and lie next to you and Tom. “Why don’t you ask your precious Runner Five to finish you off? After she gets off, of course.”

Jody will stroke Tom’s muscular arms as he works on you. She’ll kiss behind your ear and then slide her hand between you and Tom. It’s a good thing I’m not the jealous type. 

With her fingers working your clit, you’ll come easily. Yes, that’s it. Just throw your head back and gasp quietly, clenching and pulsing around Tom.

Once you can move again, slide out of the way so Jody can have her turn.

“Don’t get me pregnant either, Tom.”

“I won’t.”

While Tom and Jody are kissing deeply, his hand rubbing up and down her side, go snuggle up to Janine. I have a good feeling about it.  _Ja_ , see? If you smile at her, she'll relax for you. As much as Janine ever relaxes, I mean.

When she opens her legs for you, that’s your sign to put that mouth of yours to good use. Janine deserves some love. She’s always trying to keep you safe and all that. Why don’t you try working up to four fingers? I bet Janine can take more than you’d expect.


	5. Respecting Your Neighbors

Let’s look at two case studies: Tom and Jody.

Tom is a model camper. He’s polite, quiet, and considerate. Hear how quietly he's grunting? Hear how softly he’s murmuring that he loves Jody? That’s good.

Jody, on the other hand, is much too loud.

“Oh, Tom! Tom! Yes, Tom! Oh, god! I’m coming! I’m coming, Tom!”

I suppose a little passion is to be expected, but if you holler like that, you’ll— oh,  _ ja _ , there are the neighbors to complain now, knocking on the van door.

Sam will be out there, unsuccessfully trying not to smirk as he peers into the van. Watch closely, and you'll see his amusement turn to shock. Go ahead, you can savor it.

“Oh my god, Janine, why are you naked? And Five? Are you having an orgy in here? And you didn't invite me?!”

“That’s none of your business,” Janine will say. “What is it?”

“We were just wondering if, you know, you might keep it down a little,” Sam will say. “Sara’s asleep, and we don’t want the zoms to hear. Or Sigrid.”

“It’s fine, Sam,” Jody will say. “We’re all finished now. We’ll be quiet. Goodnight.”

Close the door securely.

Flop down between Jody and Janine.

Cuddle up to Janine's warm hip.

Kick Jody in the head. Accidentally, of course.

Apologize to Jody and kiss her leg.

Then, finally, close your eyes and let sleep wash over you.


End file.
